My Life 11/27/09, Family - Road rage insanity.

Families are insane right.  I mean have you ever met a family member that was completely normal.  I know I haven’t.  For that matter there is a strong likelihood that I am insane as well.  It just might mean that there is no sanity on the planet and that is why we all survive.  Haven’t you ever wondered if life was even real?  Maybe we are all hooked into some giant computer system and acting as nothing more than batteries for the machines who rule our world.  Wasn’t there a movie about that somewhere?

Now if everyone in the world is insane does that mean everyone from LA is certifiably insane?  I always tease my girlfriend about her driving skills wondering if she was trained at the Indy 500.  She only drives a little Honda that now has 210 plus thousand miles on it so you would think she couldn’t drive fast enough to be that scary.  You would be wrong for the record.  She is a very good driver but she does have me grasping the arm wrests at times.  I am just looking for something to hold onto.  It is instinctive to be a little frightened as you are propelled 90 miles down the road barreling into a screeching stop before you hit the kids crossing the street.  It is just natural.

Have you ever seen that movie “LA Story”?  The beginning of the movie where Steve Martin is driving on an LA freeway and everyone has guns, shooting at each other as they crises cross in and out of traffic.  I now think that is true.  That is really how they drive.  My in-law was driving us to the store on Black Friday (which now has a whole new meaning to me by the way) and somebody inadvertently cut her off.  Since this is a no no in demolition derby we commenced chasing her as we veered back and forth within inches of her back bumper.  We were doing nothing more than trying to teach her a lesson on good driving etiquette and how she should avoid coming that close to another car in the future.  We were doing this by attempting to hit her without harming ourselves by the way.

I have no idea if she learned her lesson or not as I was in the back seat actively trying not to pee my pants or lose my lunch.  I kept my eyes closed and as all you religious folks will be happy to hear, prayed.  I prayed for God to spare me.  Not to take me to the light quite yet.  I wasn’t ready to meet my maker.  Damn, I am still too much of a sinner.  I haven’t had time to repent. 

The women were headed shopping and I was lucky enough to be given a break and allowed to go to the theater.  Sadly they dropped me off at an independent theater so I had an adventure looking for a place that showed real movies.  If I wanted to read I would get a book.  Movies are meant to be seen in the native tongue of the audience in my opinion.

By the end of Thanksgiving I had derived nick names for everyone but in the interest of self preservation will withhold them for my own private amusement.  You never know who is reading this blog and I am not ready to die just yet.  I can’t wait for my girlfriend to meet my crazy family and see what she has to say.  My family doesn’t even cook so you don’t get the benefit of eating a decent last meal unless we go out to a restaurant first.  I have now found a couple of Mai Tai’s really work wonders.  If you are going to get into the car of anyone who drives or learned to drive in LA have at a minimum two Mai Tai’s first.  You will find the game of cat and mouse is a little less frightening.

I guess I should point out that I am the only one who sat at the dinner table on Thanksgiving having written a book on a serial killer and I felt like I was the sane one.  That either means my perspective is very warped or I ate dinner with the hoard of Babylon.  Most likely it is the former so tell everyone to beware inviting me for dinner.

Sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you find out you really are one.  How scary is that?

No related posts.